


someone tell me how i feel (it's silly wrong, but vivid right)

by ohprongs



Series: malec secret santa 2016 fics [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Introspection, M/M, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, dialogue-light, good boyfriend!alec, good boyfriend!magnus, just fluff really tbh, malecsecretsanta2016, maybe early s2?, maybe next time kids, set in some unspecified time in show canon, they were supposed to go ice skating but didn't make it to the rink, though the show will probably obliterate everything here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-02 05:36:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8652901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohprongs/pseuds/ohprongs
Summary: in which alec learns to accept himself, one winter walk at a time





	

**Author's Note:**

> written for the malec secret santa. [wolfspirals](http://wolfspirals.tumblr.com) wanted alec getting comfortable with his sexuality w/o necessarily having sex - hope this fits the bill!
> 
> title from _one day like this_ by elbow

Snow is dancing in the Manhattan air, like glitter flakes from a kid's craft shaker. Temperatures had seemed to plummet that morning; Alec hadn’t been too keen on leaving the warm cocoon of blankets he'd crafted in bed, and for a good half an hour he’d deemed daring to stick more than a toe out from the duvet too risky.

In some weird way, though, he’s grateful for the cold: otherwise he'd be denied the sight of Magnus bundled up in a burgundy cashmere scarf, breath coming in cloud bursts, gloved hand brushing Alec's as they stroll along Fifth Avenue. He's just about the cutest thing Alec has ever seen, and he reckons he deserves a medal for not dying on the spot when Magnus arrived at the Institute.

Magnus had portalled over to meet him, and before they set off he snapped a photo of them. Alec set it as his new phone background - but whether it stays depends on how put out his siblings are when they find out he's swapped them out for Magnus.

Alec himself is also wrapped up, in his usual leather jacket with two sweaters underneath and a beanie Magnus had forced him into after he'd admitted that he really feels the cold, and god _damn_ it was icy, why did the weather hate him so much? 

Tingles emanate in a burst from where their hands accidentally touch again. Well - Alec is mostly sure it's an accident. 

See, ever since Alec told Magnus he liked it, Magnus is always touching him when it's just the two of them. Not necessarily in a sexual way; a gentle caress of fingers on the small of Alec's back as Magnus brushes past to go to the kitchen, or leaning his head on Alec's shoulder when they're curled up on the couch, Alec reading reports and Magnus deciphering an old text. 

But Magnus doesn't do it in front of other people, even Alec's siblings, and certainly not at the Institute. He's mindful; caring. Despite Alec's very public coming out, they've talked (well, Alec stumbled through some half-formed sentence and somehow Magnus seemed to know what he was getting at) about the fact that that didn't magically make all of Alec's problems go away. After a decade of repression, he's slowly getting used to being allowed to look at, and touch, and kiss, and be with another man (and God, it's not just any man, it's _Magnus Bane_ \- how did Alec manage to luck out like that?). So that side of it is - yeah. 

It's nice. 

To be able to be himself. 

Even though he's enjoying this self exploration in the safety of Magnus' loft…at the Institute, it’s not quite so easy. 

Everyone knows, but that doesn't mean they're okay with it. Shadowhunter society is still heavily homophobic. Magnus is aware of this - of course he is, he’s living it too, and lived it long before Alec even existed, and will continue to live it, long after Alec -

So if Magnus graces the Institute with his presence, he'll shoot Alec a warm smile, and gravitate towards him, but they don't touch. Not unless Alec initiates it. Everything Magnus does is so deliberate, so measured, so considerate. 

He's incredible, really. 

When they’re out in the Mundane world, it’s a little different. Magnus still gives Alec the space to decide what he wants, but -

There. Again. 

The backs of their hands, just brushing slightly. It gives a thrill; a dash of excitement. 

Alec glances to his left, looks at Magnus, who's studying the lights of the Saks Fifth Avenue window display on the other side of the street.

“I love the colours,” he says, hand waving gracefully in the air as frames the window with his fingers. “The warmth of the gold is really brought out by the glowing -”

Magnus breaks off, clearly startled by Alec somewhat unceremoniously plucking his hand from mid-air and grasping it in his own, which, now that he thinks about it, might not have been his smoothest move ever.

“Sorry,” he says, as Magnus’ eyes swivel to him. “I just - I wanted to. You know.”

Magnus glances down at where their now joined hands swing between their bodies. 

“More than alright,” Magnus says happily. “Hands were made for holding.” He sweeps his gaze rather pointedly up and down Alec’s body and then tilts his head, lips curving upwards. “Well, and other things…”

Rather than spontaneously combusting, Alec manages to lock eyes with Magnus, and smiles a little bit himself.

“Later,” he promises, and Magnus’ answering smile is brighter than any of the Christmas lights around them.

They head off a couple of paces, and Alec is formulating a question to ask Magnus about his day when his attention is diverted. Two men are sitting on the steps of St. Patrick’s cathedral, sharing kisses and laughter and steaming hot drinks with piles of whipped cream.

“How was - how - what did you do today?” Alec says distractedly, turning to Magnus. Magnus blinks twice before he answers.

“Some of this, some of that,” he tells Alec. “I only had one client today - an old werewolf acquaintance of mine; a good friend, actually. So that was a pleasant afternoon.”

Alec nods, but he can’t help his gaze drifting to the two men again, watching the familiarity between them. One of them takes a sip of his drink and gets cream on the end of his nose; the other laughs and thumbs it away, placing a kiss there instead. 

“That’s good.” He tears his eyes away to find Magnus watching him. "Uh," he manages, feeling guilty. “Sorry. I was listening to you, I promise, I - I wasn't checking them out."

"I know," Magnus says easily, corners of his mouth tilting up in a small smile. 

"I don't want them. I...I just." Alec waves his hand in a vague motion in the guys' direction. "I want that, the general…” he trails off. “Is that okay? To want that?"

Magnus blinks at him. His face is soft and he nods slightly. "Of course it is. If anyone ever tells you it's not, they're wrong." Then he seems to shake himself and goes on, "anyone who _has_ told you that: they were wrong. I meant it, Alec. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Alec nods, the words familiar. The summoning of the memory demon seems like just yesterday, and yet so long ago. 

His eyes flit to his hand in Magnus’. Perfectly innocent; innocuous. Just touching.

“I know,” he says finally. “I’m not. I know who I am, who I’ve always been. I like it, mostly. It’s just - other people. They make it…difficult to…” He sighs and starts again. “For you, too, there’s nothing to - be ashamed of. I know you aren’t. But if anyone has ever said that to you, that you shouldn’t be who you are, or whatever, then they were wrong, too.” He looks at Magnus. “You’re so good at guiding me through this whole thing, but I - just…I want you to know that I can help you, too. Try to, anyway. I want to be there for you. If you need it.”

Magnus is smiling at him, so softly, expression unguarded. His mouth works over a couple of words, and Alec thinks for a moment that he’s going to get a speech - though probably a much more eloquent one - in return, but all Magnus says is, “Thank you.”

Alec squeezes Magnus’ hand, managing to say more with the small gesture than he could with his words, and they set off again, lightness in their steps.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [tumblr](http://lesbianclaryfairchilds.tumblr.com)!


End file.
